Women’s Career Change Identity
A forty year-old client sits in her therapist’s office clutching her backpack to her chest. It would be a therapeutic truism to propose that she holds it there, as a "barricade" between herself and this strange therapist… but therapeutic interaction is subtler and more layered than that. She may just as well be placing it in the foreground to make a symbolic statement about its importance in her life.
She is on the verge of tears. It’s been six months since she took the plunge and went back to school. Her children are on the verge of their teens; the family has lived well enough on her husband’s salary and her part-time work. It is wonderful and exciting to be back in school…but… but …but…there is so much to get used to. Her husband had not objected to her idea of returning to study, but now she wonders what he really thinks because he says hurtful disparaging things about her program, her projects and her desired career.
She feels angry and unsupported, she feels undermined. Her girlfriends suggest that her husband is being "abusive". She feels confused, defensive and full of doubt. They never talk anymore. They rarely have sex. She toys with the thought of leaving him. She wonders if the career dream is worth risking the marriage.
The return to school at mid life may have many reasons: financial necessity, outdated skills, burn-out and most positively, a sense that one finally knows what it is that one really wants to be doing. The emotions, which accompany the adventure, are just as various; excitement and delight vie with anxiety and guilt. A new identity as a student is being established and beyond that there is a shape forming of a new professional identity. These identities may come into conflict with older identities and patterns of expectations held by others. These fragile new identities are engaged in a steep learning curve. Life feels unsteady, and when life is unsteady, the world seems more threatening.
Many individuals, women and men, who are choosing a new profession out of a feeling of vocation, feel particularly vulnerable to any sort of failure or inadequacy because the new profession expresses an ideal that is defining of "Self". Any failure or criticism of the profession then feels very much like an attack on the self… a new self which may feel altogether too fragile.
The pattern of development of identity is a pattern of growth and like any living growing thing it is affected by its environment, by the available nutrients and the microclimate into which it has fallen. Feelings of identity do not grow in a straightforward way. They rise and fall in response to events and support, but the development is cumulative, with successes eventually adding up to confidence and initial tentative experiments piling up into competencies. Much of new identity development proceeds through "identifications" , that is, through "borrowing" or temporarily trying on the attitudes and behaviors of teachers, mentors and established practitioners. Some identifications are eventually discarded as being too far from one’s personal truth, others are altered or embroidered or otherwise brought into connection with our own personalities. As we select and adjust, or reject parts as "not me" , our sense of personal identity in this new space becomes firmer and firmer.
Dis-identification with the old…It is not unusual for an individual going through the process of developing a new professional identity, and with it often a new personal identity, to become very critical, dismissive or rejecting of an old one. This can cause problems interpersonally as friends and family try to act in old way (dependent, assuming availability etc).
If the old career is being continued while the new one is being developed, it is not uncommon for there to be periods of extreme dislike and resentment for the old domain. This may manifest itself as a reluctance to go to work, a suddenly exaggerated dislike for the people there, difficulty concentrating and being productive.
- This may be understood as a "withdrawal of investment" from that space since the energy is needed to power the transition to the new.
- It might also express a wish to create an artificial "necessity" to leave which makes the transition to the new career even more attractive.
- It reduces feelings of guilt and minimizes regret for losing the positive aspects of the old life.
This feeling of dislike will often be resolved as the new identity and career becomes more firmly established.
- Gratitude can arise for the skills and experiences that were developed there.
- The old career can be re-valued positively as supporting or subsidizing the growth of the new one.
The Low self-esteem trap
You have to have a sense of self in order to develop a sense of meaning and purpose. Having a sense of self means being clear about your beliefs, emotions, likes, dislikes, values, goals, etc., and believing that you have a right to express them. If you do not have a stable self, it will be difficult to create a stable and coherent professional identity.
A common emotional/psychological mistake is for women to attempt to justify what is essentially a personal developmental choice by surrounding it with practical "rational reasons" having to do with income, professional advancement or stability. While all these things may be aspects of what is hoped for in the long term they may become emotionally and interpersonally problematic because they can rarely be absolutely guaranteed. As a result these justifications easily come under attack by self and others.
Strangely, more genuine solidity and satisfaction may be found in a focus on what seems at first to be very esoteric…questions of meaning and purpose… because, these can be satisfied moment to moment by our choices.
It is useful, therefore, to take a moment from time to time to consciously explore the projected career and validate it as a source of self-defining meaning and value.
A therapist might wish to creatively explore with this woman her reasons for wanting this career and this new identity
- What aspects of it are personally important?
- What values does it reflect?
- What life questions does it address?
- What does it resolve or heal in terms of independence, self-expression or atonement?
- Is this career part of her expression of self and self-development?
The period of career transition is often a period of emotional upheaval which raises questions of personal agency and responsibility to self as well as others. As a result it often challenges the steady-state of our personal relationships. If the strains become severe it is often helpful to take time and space in personal therapy to examine the possibilities and the problems that are arising.
Whether career change is actively sought or forced upon us by circumstances, it is always an opportunity for self-development and meaningful self-expression.
Author: Susan Meindl
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What a terrific, much-needed article this is! There are SO many women out there who are crying out for camaraderie and fellowship and support when it comes to making major career changes. Yet, dear reader it’s important to remember that doors don’t close without another one opening. And sometimes the best things happen when people are at their lowest points in life. Ladies - do what I’ve done. Turn to self-help guides to help you. There are some terrific resources out there.